6 months of sexual exposure

Posted by gracelimsingapore (376 days ago)

a true story and a mess that was created by my friend.

She was like any tradition lady, chaste and tried to keep her virginity till marriage untill @ 28 she received pressure around her. People around her are all getting married and she wants to be a mother too before she turns 30, believing that healthy & beautiful kids rate higher when a woman is younger. She starts to take time to date guys, from internet, clubs, ex-school mate but was dumped always when she refused to try sex before marriage. @28 she lost her virgin to an australian who flew into singapore especially just for her and stayed for a month, he has never been anywhere else outside australia. Touch and out of sympathy, hoping that he would marry her, she surrender her stubborn believe before this guy return to australia end of June. She couldn't figure out why the "sex" process did not turn out to be what described in romance novel, in fact she felt nothing but b'cos of what she'd read, not wanting to hurt the man ego, she acted she enjoyed the process. He didn't marry her giving excuse that he likes her but felt sad that things didn't work out right as he does not believe in marriage.
Puzzle about if the books she read can be fiction, she thought maybe it was the looks of the australian that let her felt nothing, she tried again in july with a better looking guy. Still felt nothing. She almost give up finding out if she is sexually abnormal, when a french guy that pronouced how much he is attracted to her, ensure that he can made the experience different in August. well, she had to act she enjoyed it again. Since then, men started to come in every month in different way to declare their feeling and giving the assurance that they can leave lustous impression. Finally in December, when she least expect, a highly good looking expatriate whom she met for few times that shown his interest to in her, got her pregnant when she stayed over his place a night due to her room taken over by her roommate's parent. She knew it was a mistake and had told the guy so but did not tell him of her "felt nothing" experience every once a month. Baby was born beautiful and healthy, she give up her career being a single mum, draining away her saving. Now, my friend does not believe in any man, she felt they are all using her and she has since refused to sex again as since she never feel "horny" and don't see why she should satisfy the men's desire. She claimed she felt thankful that her karma for betraying her body without marriage is a baby and not aids, but I felt lonely for her. what can I do to help her believe in love again?

(I am based in Singapore)

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Posted by gwern (376 days ago)

You both sound very naive. Sex and love are different things. Sometimes you can have both...in fact often you can. Romantic sex is rare for the first time anyway as it takes time to learn about your body, what works for you and what you like. It sounds like she has been very unfortunate in love/ life. I think her innocence has made her vulnerable to the wrong kind of guys..or maybe she had such a romantic ideal that she confused sex with love (from the men) I get the distinct feeling she feels love will be at first sight...head over heels...it takes time to develop something meaningful. It can't be hurried. She needs to not be looking for a life partner but someone to enjoy life with and see where it goes from there.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by hoyo (376 days ago)

her mind is set + with her newborn baby, there's no chance she will feel anything!
time will heal, and she will mellow and be more comfortable with the sexual pleasure thing she's so obsessed about. let it come by itself, very naturally.
on another matter, i wish i could have a virgin of 28 years old, very rare indeed!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by solo con te (376 days ago)

it is very normal for women "feels nothing" and pretends to enjoy when she starts to have sex. it can take a long time for a woman to enjoy sex - it really has nothing to do with trust in a man. It is a matter of getting emotionally and sexually mature. Yea, time will tell and heal.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by birdman (375 days ago)

Can you please write something credible and understandable. I just can't understand your supposedly English or basically anything else. I gather what you are saying is that your 'friend' is strange? Well i do agree.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Island Dweller (375 days ago)

birdman: Perhaps you should also check your own vocabulary and grammar if you'd like to be understood...

Why is Mr. Perfect English writing things like "supposidely" and "your friends is weird!" ?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Justin Credible (374 days ago)

So let me get this right, your "friend" shagged all and sundry and ended up with a kid out of wedlock from some random guy and is now a jobless, bitter, possibly frigid, single parent?

Is that the gist of the story?

And you need advice for....?????

Correct me if I am wrong.

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by gracelimsingapore (374 days ago)

I feel that she needs to believe that love still exist and rid her loneliness

(I am based in Singapore)

Posted by gracelimsingapore (374 days ago)

and maybe she can find a man who love her enough to take care of her well being too

(I am based in Singapore)

Posted by Justin Credible (374 days ago)

I'd say good luck in finding some man who will let her mooch off him just so he is nothing but a bank account and a joyless shag! Lol.

Your friend made her bed and now she's lying uncomfortably in it. If what she wants is someone to take care of her and her kid from some random dude, she should put an ad in the "mail order brides" catalogue and marry some random old guy in some other country...

"Rid her loneliness"????

Hasnt she got a kid? Your friend, if she cant be happy as she is, as an individual and a mother, she cant find happiness in a man, I would have thought she learned that lesson already. No man can save you from yourself. Knight in shining armor stuff is from fairytales and Julia Roberts chick flicks! I mean, if anything, your friend needs to get real.

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by gracelimsingapore (368 days ago)

Justin, did I say that she said she is lonely? I said I felt lonely for her. She is still attractive, and I see she survive well financially without man/men. but I just hate her negative attitude when we talk about men. I want prove her that the right guy will fill her life with love and happiness. She keeps telling me it will not happen and she has only seen these 1 in every million couple.

(I am based in Singapore)

Posted by cara_tanaka (368 days ago)

grace,
did u read the magazine about MAN and WOMAN A DIGNIFIED ROLE FOR EACH and the book of FAMILY HAPPINESS??? if u can read that book and magazine try to understand and thinking if all write in there is right and true happen,i hope she find the right man for her,maybe the right man for her not coming yet,where is she? still in singapore? i've been there before for a holiday....

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by Justin Credible (365 days ago)

gracelimsingapore - if you hate her negative attitude about men, why take it on? Why try to convince her that the way you see life is the right way, there is no right or wrong, in her own time your friend will figure things out. Maybe in her mind she has an opinion of hating your eternal optimism, right? :o) You are trying to convince her of your side when really she doesnt care to hear it, so maybe the better way is to step back, stop making her feel like your good itentions seem more like pity for her...you dont know how she feels deep down, so let her be. What is meant to happen will, you cant change peoples attitude, they have to make that change themselves.

Best not to get yourself all stressed out about it or to lose time thinking about it. You are looking at her life and viewing how it matches up to your ideals...its not your life. If you believe a man will make her life better its because thats how you view your life, maybe your friend is more cynical (as you think) or maybe she's just clued in. You cant really know for sure, but what you can do is back up and let her have her time to self reflect without you telling her that some external thing would guarantee her happiness.

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by aspect* (361 days ago)

from ur story, u slept with a new expatriate every other month and all of them just shag and run.

statistically speaking, u may find other type of man more suit u.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Meems (360 days ago)

You friend has been reading too many love stories.... Too late! Maybe she's a bit depressed now and being stuck at home with a baby can be stressful. As her friend, you can spend more time and help her babysit. She will get over it soon, don't worry.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by flashback (359 days ago)

The problem with your friend is in her expectations, which belong in the 1940s. She is so out of touch with her body (and cultural expectations and norms) that it is very unlikely that she will ever reach sexual maturity unless she starts working on it herself. A man isn't a magician who can 'produce' arousal in a female just by showing up unless the woman is receptive and allows herself to enjoy the experience. Otherwise she is just lying back 'like a creature awaiting immolation' as a famous author once wrote of someone like her.

She really needs to get an adult perspective on her own sexuality, get rid of those silly romantic novels, and try a sex manual, a vibrator and maybe even some hot movies. On her own at first... If she finds out what it is all about first... then she can add the man... Maybe when she understands her own role in giving and receiving pleasure and in so many other aspects of a relationship, she may be ready for one.

Relationships aren't a 'just add water' (i.e. a man) proposition. You have to be considerably self-aware in so many facets of life before you can participate fully.

Frankly, I would say she may not be ready for another few lifetimes.

I know you want the best for her Grace, but she may be better off in her disillusioned world. It's probably safer there for her, even if it is ultimately unfulfilling and embittered.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Thormaturge (346 days ago)

"she should put an ad in the "mail order brides" catalogue and marry some random old guy in some other country..."

Hey, at 52 I'm possibly a random old guy and I don't want her.

(I am based in Bangkok)

Posted by MangoDurianRambutanOrange (345 days ago)

to thormaturge

Do u have a full length mirror @ home? if not, get one asap.

(I am based in Singapore)

Posted by nifty2 (324 days ago)

the girl's obsessed with dating caucasians, gets done over by them and continues her narrow perspective on dating. if she's not willing to give other nationalities a try, since her criteria doesn't seem to include judging the quality of personality, character or values, and is instead sucked in by idealized nonsense peddled by pop culture and is quite possibly rejecting her own culture, what can she expect? Guys can spot an easy target a mile away, and if they're scumbags, well, you see what happens

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by candyliquor (324 days ago)

Ur Friend has no power when coming to handle her relationship with guys...for the sake of her babe, since she has decided to rise her babe alone, now, it's time to rebuild her self-esteem, self-confidence and self-assurance...get her ars out of room and find a proper job to build up her career...be responsible for herself and her kid...jump out of men's circle...why have to belive in love again?...firstly she should believe in herself...she can lead a beatiful life though without the love from men, if she get her confidence back, she will gain the respect from others/men...maybe someone is waiting for her just somewhere nearby her!!!

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by candyliquor (324 days ago)

To, MangoDurianRambutanOrange

I assume ' thormaturge' couldn't have a mirror in his shelter, once he looked into a mirror, the mirror cracked into millions of pieces...

(I am based in Shanghai)