what to do now

Posted by casey laymon (527 days ago)

i am in a very difficult position. i have been with my girlfriend for 2 years now and we just started haveing these big big fights. i love her but i found out she is cheating on me and normally before her i would just leave the person but i really dont wanna throw away 2 years of hard work and love. i meanshe was there through some really tough times for me and i really wish i knew what to do cuz i am really torn up inside last 3 or 4 night i have cried myself to sleep and im sorry but i am not a crying kinda guy. i am really going nuts over this. what should i do can anyone give me some advice

(I am based in Shanghai)

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Posted by Bluebutton (527 days ago)

First, you need time to recover from the shock and work through the pain, so make sure you give yourself enough time alone. Don't see her during this time. This will allow you to think rationally about what you want for yourself and what you can or cannot accept. Secondly, the fact that she was unfaithfull doesn't mean that she doesn't love you, but it's such a unhealthy precedent. Thirdly remember that it is very hard to recover trust in a relationship once it has been broken ( although this does not mean that it's not impossible). Whatever decision you make, make sure that it is one that honours yourself and don't let this situation lower you self esteem - people who cheat do it for selfish reasons that have nothing to do with the people they have cheated.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Aulelei (527 days ago)

Agree with bluebutton above. An unhealthy precedent has been set, and in your heart, will you ever be able to trust her with your heart again? Sure its been two years but why not just take it for what is was - a memorable two year relationship... maybe its time to move on? I could over time forgive my partner for what he did if i were in your situation. Could i ever forget it? Never.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by zionmainframe (526 days ago)

What exactly are these fights were about? Does it have anything to do with her being unfaithful?

Call me old fashion, but chances are, if they cheated once they will certainly do it again.
And tell me, how much can you tolerate knowing that she is out with someone else. Yes it hurts, but its times like this that you should be thankful for knowing it sooner and move on.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Justin Credible (Part Deux) (526 days ago)

"2 years of hard work"? Dude...do you want to be the one whinging about "10 years of hard work"? She cheated on you, most certainly not the most respectful thing to do...sounds to me like you have clung to her in bad times and now that the bad times are back, you cant seem to simply let her go.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by casey laymon (525 days ago)

well i tell you what the fights are about her cheating but i cant help but have this extreme needy feeling. i feel i should leave but so many things that involve her also involve me which will scease to be if we break up. this is my 3rd or 4th real rlationship i have had and i tell you it just keeps getting harder and harder to let go and move on. this time i dont think i even want to find another one cuz im tired of this bullsh*t. dude it really sucks getting walked on like this all the time.

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by ChrisHB (525 days ago)

I feel for you casey. I have been there too and it's really hard to let go even though the person you need comforting from is the very same who caused your this incredible pain. Unfortunately, there is only one way to deal with this; you need to let her go and move on.

If you stay you can gradually get through it but in the end something dies inside you. The fights subside and you stop seeing the images that torture you, but love will be dead. The result will be the same if you stay with her or if let her go, but if you let her go now you will heal faster.

The most important thing for you now is to take care of yourself. Exercise; it releases "happy drugs" in your brain and makes you feel good about yourself. Learn something new; a class or course of sorts is a good place to meet new people and it gets your mind focused on something else for a while. Join a hiking group or a sports team or other similar physical activity that involves other people. Stay away from downers like alcohol or drugs (I'm not saying you should become a monk or anything, but alcohol is a natural depressant and it will only make things worse). Basically, do what you know is good for you!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Justin Credible (Part Deux) (524 days ago)

Trust me, being needy aint going to make your relationship woes easier, its the explaination for why its harder and harder.

Dont look at the fact she cheated as somehow being a failure on your part, its not, just move on. Honestly, it aint worth you sitting there beating yourself up about it.

Positive thinking, homeslice! Thats the ticket. Like attracts like. Get the hell out of that and start valuing yourself a bit more and it will all work out. And, you're right, if I was you, I'd stay well clear of getting entangled in another relationship, BS or otherwise, so you can sort your head out and let go of the copious amounts of baggage you are draggin around.

Good luck!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by casey laymon (516 days ago)

i am leaving her today and i feel really good but i can stop having these little tear fits its not cryi9ng just a few tears and then butterflies. you know i know i need to leave her but i have this bad feeling like its going to take me another two years to find a girl that i feel so good about. work and play is going to be so dull and boring without her you know. so many memories are with her and it kills me to have to just walk away from that.

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by weishenme (516 days ago)

What a coincidence, I also broke up with my boyfriend because I found him cheating. The first time I felt my heart was so pain, the real pain. Now I am recovering. After all, life needs to move on. We also had been together for two years, and there are many good memories. But I know when the broken pieces of mirror back together, it will not be perfect any more. sometimes we just need principals, and have some faith to believe in.

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by Straw_berry (516 days ago)

To: casey laymon & weishenme,

Can understand how both of you feel... felt exactly the same when he chose to break up... Felt really devastated initially and thought the world came down on me but managed to pull through... Thank goodness... he is certainly not worth the time and effort...

Give yourselves some time and believe you can walk through this difficult period... You can...

All the best... You will meet nicer people...

(I am based in Singapore)

Posted by casey laymon (513 days ago)

ok guys well i really really decided i am going to leave her, but really why is it so hard i mean i have gone through things like the military, and moving out on my own, and college, and so many things that were really hard but this is like the first thing i need to do that i honestly feel like i am going to break down if i do it. i mean really even if i keep my friends close and do new things i cant do all of that 24/7 to keep my mind off of her. i mean i just love her so damn much and its driving me insane to even think about not having her in my life. last night we had this really big fight though i mean big our biggest fight ever. it was so bad i ended up sleeping in a hotel last night drunk as hell and alone. really ok i took you guys advice but its really killing me why?

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by My Hong Kong (513 days ago)

I actually find it easier so go through a break up...when I keep the person involved in my life. Breaking up with someone does not necessarily mean that you cannot talk or see each other ever again. It will be hard for you not to see her. It will be hard for you to see her. The point is...you have both options when you break up with someone and maybe if you don't look at it as an absolute 'finale'...it will be easier for you to deal with the process.

And why is it so hard? Because you love her and because she cheated on you. It’s not an easy thing for the ego to deal with, but remember...cheating in many cases has nothing to do with the spouse...so don't start questioning what you've done wrong...or what you could have done better.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by cute_sense (513 days ago)

Please do take GOOD CARE of yourself, Cassey, and STOP DRINKING. Try doing some exercises, or form of sports or go for a short break - travel. It's hard but you must move on. There are still many of nice and sincere caring people out there. You're still young and I'm sure there are still many good and worthy things in the world that need your talent and professional skills - channel your energy towards that. Start SMILING again, my dear friend.
Cheers :-)

(I am based in Singapore)

Posted by Tidings 2 (513 days ago)

When I broke up with my boyfriend a few years ago I grieved and cried every single day for many months. I still loved him but he was mean and hateful much of the time.

It does really take time and if you were not upset over this it would have meant the relationship was nothing. I don't regret the move nor the pain but wow am I leary of getting involved again.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by LMOPQ (512 days ago)

Tiding, I think this is not good. You seems very enjoy torturing yourself. If I were you, I will spent some time on day dreaming. Imagine I will meet a nice guy rather than crying for a guy who is not belong to you anymore. Am I right? C'mon. Follow me. I am a love specialist!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by LMOPQ (512 days ago)

And summer is coming. We could meet a load of beach boys. No worry! That's nice!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by casey laymon (512 days ago)

im a guy not a girl just so yall know

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by Aijin (part whatever) (511 days ago)

Sweetie: hope you are out of there and do please look forward to the future...

I am sorry the girl you loved/love tis such a horrible b!tch but you have gotta get over it/her... whoooosh tis gone... the love... the trust... the respect... and it cannot be undone.

Betrayal sucks... and this is from one who lives on the other side... but as folk opt quote most everything doth happen for a reason...

Turn the corner... move on and up... it hurts yup but one day you'll look back on it all and be thankful for whatever and appreciate it for what it is... memories are good and exist for a reason.

Good luck and prey do smile sometimes...

(I am based in Tokyo)

Posted by Woz's Pup (511 days ago)

Dump her. Once a cheater always a cheater.

Two years isn't that long a time, either. You can spend five years with the next girl you meet that doesn't cheat on you.

Also, women tend to cheat because they're not getting what they need from a relationship. Do you think there's anything you could have done to stop her cheating?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by labaran3 (506 days ago)

the same thing happen to me 2 days ago i found out my girl have been cheating on me for the past 4 month, and we have been together for 3yrs now, so just because of that i choose to give her a second chance but i still keep picturing her having sex with the other guy. please i really dont know what to do...

(I am based in Beijing)

Posted by applespring (506 days ago)

maybe in the past 2 years she was really the one supported you and comfort you. But do you ever think time can change a person.. two years hard working and living could bring changes to your life, i mean you and her. Why not accept the truth that one of you changed and she is not the one you loved before. To me, cheating is definately unacceptable in a relationship. Good luck to you, buddy!

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by Woz's Pup (505 days ago)

Dump her.

You can support and comfort yourself. It's probably the leaning on her that caused her to cheat! She probably couldn't stand the pressure!

You sound like a really sweet guy, you definately don't deserve to have some cheating harpie girlfriend. There are women out there who don't cheat and who are really lovely! It seems like the length of time is the only reason you're with her! If she cheats and cheats for the next 10 years, will you keep her around cos it's been 10 years?

與其唔開心,不如找個一個新的好了

(I am based in Hong Kong)